


happy on the outside, dying on the inside

by amoreflos



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed!Cyrus, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I kinda learned how to tag, I'm getting there lol, M/M, Oneshot, TJ isn't the happiest too but that's more on the implied side, open or ambiguous ending if you squint, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27732739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoreflos/pseuds/amoreflos
Summary: "I can tell your smile is fake.""H-How did you--""I'm not judging you, I'm the same way."
Relationships: Cyrus Goodman & T. J. Kippen, Cyrus Goodman/T. J. Kippen
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	happy on the outside, dying on the inside

Cyrus feels like he's drowning in his own head. 

He feels like he's clinging onto nothing, trying to pull himself back up. He desperately wants to get back up to the surface, but when he reaches out no one pulls him up. 

He knows he can't leave, his friends need him. Whenever he's going through something, everything crashes and burns. He learns to lie, put on a fake smile, laugh when needed and be there when called for. He isn't important anywhere else, and behind the scenes he crumbles. Everyone is too self-indulged to care, but sometimes he wished they did. He wishes that he wasn't the one giving wise words, or wrapping his arms around a shivering body, clinging to his shoulders as they let out their tears. 

Everyone has been a mess since Andi had left Buffy and Cyrus to go to high school without her, as she went to art school. Buffy was busy with the pressure of basketball, Jonah was getting better and better at guitar, he was getting a lot of attention due to it. But while everyone else had something huge going on, Cyrus was just there. He didn't have a defying trait, something big that everyone was excited for, he was just waiting. 

Sure, Cyrus was extremely smart. He could be quirky, a bit of a nerd, and was extremely likable. But he didn't have this huge talent, at least he hadn't discovered his yet. He wished he could fill his head with thoughts beside how he feels so useless, so tired, so empty. No matter how much he does, he still isn't important. When is it time for him? The sun is there, but the clouds block out the sky. Why can't he reach it? 

Sitting at his desk, he was playing records while randomly writing down anything that comes to mind. He had finished his homework hours ago, and everyone has some type of club or practice they were attending right now. He had let his thoughts take over in the past thirty minutes, part of him regrets it. In Shadyside, there was an abandoned playground with a rusty swingset. The swings worked perfectly fine, but the playground could definitely use a new paint job, some repairs and a few new stairs and such. But it was quiet there, it was darker just how he liked it. 

He got up from his chair, already in his outfit for school earlier. He wore an oversized sweater french-tucked into the front of ripped black jeans that he cuffed. His feet easily got cold, so he kept his dinosaur socks on but he just needed to find where he put his converse. His room was usually reasonably clean, but he was tossing clothes all over the place this morning since he was running a little later than usual, so it wasn't in the best shape. Finding one of them shoved under his bed, and the other by the door, shoved them on on and tied them into bows. He grabbed his phone, earbuds and cash in case he needed it. Flicking off the light, he gave himself a mental reminder to clean his room when he got home. He probably wouldn't be out for long anyway. 

Shadyside was breathtaking this time of year. Yellow, red and orange leaves falling from bare branches, twirling in the air and littering the sidewalks. The scent of cinnamon, little kids running around and laughing. Part of Cyrus wishes that he still had that childlike innocence, but he guesses that it sadly fades away when you're 15. Finally coming across the playground, he sees that another boy is already there. Cyrus stops in his tracks. 

Hunched over, a guy around his age sat in a green hoodie, blue jeans and sneakers. He had wild dirty blonde hair, and he slowly swayed in the brisk fall air. Something told him to walk towards him, to sit on the swing next to him, to talk to him. Cyrus has never really felt like this before, but maybe it's some sort of sign. Slowly, he walks towards the plays set and distances himself from the other. He doesn't want to make this too awkward by staring, so he looks forward, lowering the volume of his music in case he decides to speak. The boy looks up to see another person next to him, Cyrus turns and then they make eye contact. 

Cyrus swears that he knows this person from somewhere, he recognizes his face. But from where? There was some sort of tension in the air, but he didn't know what it was. He kept staring into this boys eyes, they looked like emeralds. Part of Cyrus thought that he was staring back. 

"Part of me feels like I know who you are, but where from?" The boy turned his body towards Cyrus', he could tell the boy was studying him. Cyrus gives him a smile, they seem to have a nice charm according to Buffy and Jonah. 

"I ... I don't know where from. You look around my age, do you go to Grant?" 

"Uh yeah, I'm assuming you do to?" The boy nods. A few more minutes of silence, but in those minutes Cyrus learned that this guy has freckles that dot his nose, his eyes have blue that rim the outsides, and that he has slight bags under them. 

"I can tell that your smile is fake." Cyrus is stunned. It only took this guy around five minutes of staring at him to get to that conclusion, while Jonah and Buffy have known him for years and didn't notice anything. 

"H-How did you--"

"I'm not judging you, I'm the same way." Cyrus is shocked into silence. This guy looks like the type to be sporty, have his life together, and have girls all over him or something. He remembers seeing someone that looks like this guy that played basketball, Cyrus can't remember the name but Buffy hated his guts and would talk about it a lot. 

"My name is Cyrus, Cyrus Goodman. And yours?" 

"TJ Kippen, it's cool meeting you." Cyrus holds out his hand for TJ to shake, TJ resists, but shakes his hand with this guy named Cyrus. 

Cyrus desperately tries to change the subject, even if a part of him knew it would be returned to. "I think I remember you from Jefferson, you were pretty well known." TJ's eyes widen. 

"Oh god, I definitely made a reputation for myself there but I promise you I'm not like that anymore." TJ stammered, looking nervous and ashamed. 

Cyrus laughed. "It's okay! People can change, I get that. The only reason I knew you was because of Buffy anyway." 

"I was such a sexist dick back then, seriously my logic was flawed and I could barely read a fraction, let alone do a multiplication problem." TJ's eyes lit up, Cyrus thought that was cute. 

_Wait what?_

"Wait would I have been considered a chad?!" _(author here, if you don't get that reference it refers to the meme where a chad is an athletic dick, if you want a better description you can look at urban dictionary!)_

"Nah, you were just some scary basketball guy to me. But now that I'm actually talking to you ... I would probably call you a not-so-scary-basketball-guy. Do you even still play?" Cyrus asked. 

"Always have, always will!" As they kept the conversation going, Cyrus was laughing his ass off. He wore a genuine smile, he was almost glowing. TJ notices this, compares before and after and was happy he made him smile. As Cyrus was talking about some nature documentary he watched the other night, TJ took out a piece of paper and wrote 'basketball guy ♥, (123) 904 6767'. He slipped it into Cyrus' hand as he left. Cyrus gasped, TJ innocently pouted back. He was happy that Cyrus was happy, that was it. 

If TJ dreamed of chocolate eyes that night, it meant nothing. 

-oOo- 

Cyrus came to school with bags under his eyes the next day. 

He had ran out of concealer, and had to do without. The powder made his face look too baked, he gave up and would lie about having a project if he had to. Even if he didn't stay up all night dealing with someone else's problems, he would've ended up being up for some other reason anyway. He did end up getting a text from TJ, he had made his night a little better. Walking into school, his sight was blurred as he stared at his locker. Usually, he would get at least an hour or so but he only got a 15 minute nap he snuck in at 3:00 AM. He heard a voice, but he couldn't recognize who's voice it was. 

"Cyrussss. Cyrus Goodman, person I met yesterday and _clearly_ pulled an all nighter because he texted me at 4:00 in the morning. Person I have iced coffee for because he mentioned he lived off off it, even slipped in what he put in it." He blinked a few times. _TJ?_

He turned his head to find TJ holding two iced coffees, a sad smile on his face. He holds one out, waiting for him to take it. 

"Thanks." Cyrus mumbled. TJ's face dropped, the bags under his eyes looked like they were draining the color from his face. Cyrus sipped the drink, raising his eyebrows. "How did you remember my coffee order? Trust me I'm thankful, want me to pay you back?" 

"Nah, it's on me." 

"Buying me coffee and you've only known me for less than a day?" TJ pulls a fake offended face. 

"Hey! To be fair, Buffy mentioned you a few times and you seemed like a nice guy! That would mean I have known of your existence for like, two years." TJ pouts, Cyrus doesn't know how he manages to make that pull at his heart. 

"Excuses, excuses..." Cyrus smiles to himself, taking another sip of coffee. "C'mon, you got this exactly right how did you--" 

"I told you! I have a mind full of stupid things and no room for things I actually need to know, and that would include knowing your coffee order." 

"I said it once!" Cyrus opened his locker, fumbling with his coffee and bag. 

"Here let me help you out!" TJ took a hold of Cyrus' ice coffee as he sorted out his books for the day, making small talk while trying to balance two books and a bag. 

"What were you even doing last night? Everyone knows that you need from 7-9 hours of sleep overnight, at least take naps to fill the gaps." Cyrus laughs, knowing that TJ will be bugging him about this until the end of time.

"Simple explanation: sleep is for the weak." 

"Cyrus!!" TJ and Cyrus both turn to see Buffy staring at them, shock written on her features. "And ... TJ Kippen ... are you messing with him now?" 

"Buffy it's not what it looks like we're just talking we ran into each other yesterday and now we're friends, right?" In a state of panic, Cyrus dropped a few of his books, bending down to pick them up before TJ swooped in to pick them up himself with his right arm. 

Cyrus smiles, taking the books from TJ's arm. "Why can't my arms be big." 

"Oh are they just too good for you?" They both laugh, completely ignoring Buffy. 

"Are you guys seriously just all buddy-buddy now?! Cyrus do you even remember what this guy has done to me?" Their faces darken. 

"And TJ is sorry about that, he's changed! Just give him a chance." _Cyrus just wanted to feel happy, why can't he do something for him?_

Guild flashed across TJ's face, he looked down. "What I did then wasn't okay. I was sexist, and I just wanted to keep my power which was extremely selfish. I'm sorry that I did that to you, no one deserved how rude I was back then." TJ thought he deserved this, it was all his fault. Nobody needed what he put Buffy through, TJ liked to imagine that the person he used to be was a completely different person. "Something happened that made me want to stop and I just felt so tired, so I strived to get better. Thats where I am now." 

"You think that you can just apologize for all the damage you've done? Thats bullshit!" Cyrus needed to get TJ out of this, but at the same time he felt bad. He felt bad because he can't help everyone at once, and sometimes it gets out of control. His heart wanted him to help TJ, this person he had been talking to for under 24 hours and had a weird attraction towards. But his head said that he should help Buffy, his friend he's known since kindergarten. So why was he pulling his bag over his shoulder, and grabbing his books? Why did he shut his locker, and grab his hand?

Why did he pull him forward, why did he start walking so fast?

Buffy was calling his name, and following after them frantically. Cyrus always had a problem with running away from his problems. This time, they weren't running but something told Cyrus to just go. It was like he was pulled towards him, invisible strings wrapped around his body. He looked back to see TJ, he looked almost shocked. Cyrus decided to turn into an empty hallway, finding a supply closet and opening the door and yanked TJ in. Popping his head out the door, he saw Buffy walk past the hallway, he sighed and closed the door. Cyrus kept his head down, he couldn't look at him in the eye. _What even was that?_

TJ squeezed Cyrus' hand, almost as if he was saying that he was there, he wouldn't let go. Taking a step closer, TJ looked down at Cyrus' face to see glittery tears streaming down pale face. "Are ... are you crying?" TJ didn't know why he was asking when he already knew the answer.

It was hard to see in the low light of the storage closet, but Cyrus had a single tear slowly fall from glossy eyes. TJ made sure to put their coffees and his bag on the floor before cupping his cheek, lifting his face up to meet his eyes. Something about this was weirdly intimate, the way TJ's thumb made soft, small circles on Cyrus' cheek. "It's okay if you need time, or if you need me to leave--"

"We never fight." 

"Huh?" His words were quiet, if TJ had said anything else he would've missed them. 

"Buffy and I have known each other since kindergarten, but we never fight. Ever." Cyrus' black slides down the door, TJ hadn't even noticed that they were still holding hands until Cyrus let go. Pulling his knees to his chest, he buried his face in his arms. TJ sits down across from him, putting a hand on top of his for comfort. 

"This isn't your fault. I can't make up for what I did back then, I was an awful person and part of me still thinks that I am. You've known her for almost your whole life, why are you still with me?" TJ had voiced what was true. They were both willingly stuck in a stuffy supply closet, but why had he wanted to go? The obvious choice was that he should've stuck with Buffy, why did he choose TJ, a guy he doesn't know at all? 

The question seemed impossible for Cyrus to answer. 

He never thought, ever, that he could answer the question. Cyrus felt like an idiot for wracking his brain, and still coming empty-handed. 

"Something in my heart told me to go with you, I couldn't control where my feet went it just ... it just happened." He lifted his head from his arms, staring TJ in the eyes. "I always feel like I satisfy everyone but myself, it involves a lot of sacrifices but I'm willing to take them if the people around me are happy." 

"But what about yourself? You matter the most, Cy." 

"That's the thing, everyone neglects how I feel. Sure, they care but they immediately believe what I say, even when it's obvious I'm not okay. I always feel like I'm left out, and sometimes I just want to feel like the I'm important but whenever I open up, it's overshadowed by something else." Why was he pouring his heart out to this guy? Rose gently dusted his cheeks, god what was happening to him? "So I fake a smile. I wear makeup to cover the bags under my eyes but I ran out this morning, so I had to go without. I know exactly how to act and be an amazing friend because I live in a family full of therapists. It's easy to read people's behavior, but sometimes I get so tired of it and now that I'm talking to you I know I'm doing the same things and I--" 

"It's okay, I get it. I was such a mess in 7th and 8th grade because I was hiding a part of me and did anything in my power to keep it a secret. I'm fine now, but it was a scary feeling then. Knowing that everything cloud slip from my control if they wrong person found out it sucked. I know that you feel awful about yourself, I don't know many details but I have a good grasp on it now. I can't do much, but I can be there for you. I hope that's good enough." TJ had just realized that Cyrus was the first person he told all that too. No one had ever known that he was hiding a secret, he still was but it wasn't as scary. He would be fine if people knew now, TJ didn't have much of a reputation to protect now. 

"Yeah that sounds nice." They sat in a comfortable silence, waiting for Cyrus to calm down. The bell rang about five minutes later, TJ fell out of his trance. 

"Can we skip first period?" Cyrus almost read his mind. 

"Whatever you want." 

-oOo-

Cyrus and TJ got close from there. 

After school, they would go to the spoon to do homework together. Sometimes they would be in a booth for hours, eyes feeling heavy as they solved what felt like the 100th equation when it was only the 20th. When they finished they would go to the swings, or TJ would teach Cyrus how to do something new. Cyrus felt himself smile more -- a genuine smile. TJ felt butterflies in his stomach every time he realized he put it there.

They we're friends that would walk shoulder-to-shoulder, their hands brushing up against the other wanting to latch onto it. They were friends that were open, that would tell each other anything and everything (except how they felt about the other.) And if there was something blooming between them, they didn't ignore it.. If their afternoons felt like dates they let it be. If things got rough, they knew the other was there. 

They knew that it would be okay. 

-oOo-

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos or extremely appreciated!! they honestly make my day.


End file.
